Lines you will never hear on Smallville

[TampaVille]

Originally posted by President_Luthor
(All lies and secrets are exposed in Season Six! This time, Clark can't deny the truth!)

Clark: Now that I'm out of the Phantom Zone, I can perpetuate my secrets and lies with Lex and Lana. I wonder if they'll 'ever' catch on.

Chloe: But, Clark -- aren't you afraid that your secrets and lies will affect your relationships with your closest friends?

Clark: Pete was my friend. He discovered my secret ... so I cut him out of my life forever. See how simple that was? No sweat.

Chloe: Well, I've got to run. I think Lana wanted to see you at the Talon.

Clark: Yesss! (pumps fist in air triumphantly) Everything works out for Kal-El!

Chloe (to herself): What a dork ...

--Later, at the Talon

Clark: Hey, Lex and Lana. All that stuff that happened -- water under the bridge right?

Lex: (points at Clark) Liar! *gasp* Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!

Lana: Clark, I 'knew' you were hiding something from all of us!

Clark: What do you mean? I've been nothing but honest with you .....

Lex: Well, see, that's where your web of deceit begins to unravel. Remember Loeb Bridge?

Clark: Uh-oh ...

Lex: Yeah, you remember dontcha? Who'd have thought that I was going 60 mph on a 50 mph zone. I guess I should have slowed down at the bridge. And who knew that they installed one of those fancy red light cameras. They hid it behind one of the trees.

Clark: This doesn't sound too good for Kal-El .....

Lex: (wheels out TV/VCR stand, plays tape) I tried to fight the speeding ticket, but I lost. But -- they showed me this really neat tape. See: here's you getting hit by a high-performance sports car. Here's me drowning in the river. There's you ripping apart the doors like it was paper. There's you, without a scratch, saving my life and beginning exploiting my gratitude. I can run it on Slo-Play if you wish .....

Clark: @#$%! Red-light, speed-trap cameras. !@#$-ing Lowell County Sheriff's Dept. 2001 speeding crackdown!!! Busted by the long arm of the law.

Lana: See, Lex! I told you he was a vampire. He can't be killed!

Lex:

Clark (to himself): Looks like Kal-El may yet pull his butt out of the fire yet *snickers* .....

Lex: ...except for my videotaped evidence of your god-like powers .....

Clark: @#$%! Caught on tape!

Lex: Remind me to invest in state-wide red-light/speeding cameras. You can lie -- cameras can't. Don't fret, Kal-El. I have a wonderful, secure facility where I can study you like a lab rat for decades.

Clark: Technology sucks .....

LOL. Had me laughing out loud the whole way through.

[xrayvision]

Originally posted by President_Luthor
Clark: Yesss! (pumps fist in air triumphantly) Everything works out for Kal-El!

Chloe (to herself): What a dork ...



Lana: See, Lex! I told you he was a vampire. He can't be killed!

Lex:

Clark (to himself): Looks like Kal-El may yet pull his butt out of the fire yet *snickers* .....

Haha, that was a good one. These were my favorite parts.

[Somebodyfrommetropolis]

So, I was just having fun with google and I saw this post on a very old (at least a few years ) K-site forums archive, by a user named Tornado called "Things Lana Lang would never say or do."

Lana: "I want to marry Lex someday. He's my hero!"

Wow. I guess we'll just have to look at this one in a few years. The whole Clex or Flex thing just might surprise us...or maybe even some Mlionel...

[xrayvision]

In a future episode called Lanyx:

Lana: You were right about me all along Clark. It is all about me!!!!!!

[Watching Smallville]

Okay, that's funny.

[xrayvision]

Continued from:

http://www.kryptonsite.com/forums/showthread.php?postid=2157782#post2157782

The following Christmas:

Lana: Merry Christmas Lex.

Lex: Over here we refer to it as Lexmas.

Lana: Who are all these people?

Lex: It's my Addams family themed party/dinner.

Lana: Who is this?

Lex: Oh you mean Thing?

Lana: Why is Thing all burnt up?

Lex: Well, his name used to be Dr. Walden. I call him Walden-Thing now.

Lana: what about that?

Lex: That's Cousin Shelby-It. You probably don't know, but Clark had a doggie I poisoned not long ago.

Lana: Who's that tall guy?

Lex: That's Clark Lurch Kent. Remember that coffin you told me he suggested you buy him last Christmas? Well, he needs one now.

Lana: He was right. All my boyfriends end up dead.

Lex: Don't worry Lana. Here are Ryan-Pugsley and Maddie-Wednesday. They died because of Clark's meddling.

Lana: I guess Lurch Luthor got what he deserved then.

Lex: Haha, Lurch Luthor....I like the sound of that.

Lana: Who are those 2?

Lex: Those are Louis-Gomez & Laura-Morticia.

Lana: You took my parents rotting corpses?

Lex: Yes, as a present for you.

Lana: Ohhhhh, how sweet. What character are you?

Lex: I'm Uncle Cueball-Fester.

Lana: This surpasses every Christmas I ever spent with Nell.

Lex: How can't it? You got me and all this. What more could you ask for?

Lana: Hey, why is Lurch wearing antlers and why is there a strobe light focused on him.

Lex: I wanted to give him the deer-in-headlights dumbass look.

Lana: Hahaha!!!

Lex: I thought I heard a noise?



Lionel: I'm Ninjasniper Lionel Claus here with your gifts.




Clark: They actually thought I was dead.

Lionel: Yes, well I guess they don't know your secrets & lies.

Clark: Mark one for da Kal-ster!!!!

Lionel: Time for some radical electroshock therapy!!

Clark: I thought that only works on those with a brain?

Lionel: BUURRRRRNNNNNN!!!!! I am teaching you well my son.

Clark: Hey dad, is it OK if next year we go to the cave and let Jor-El torture them?

Lionel: Well son, we can do that for New Years!!

Clark: Yay, I got everything I wanted this year Dad!!!

Lionel (to the viewers): And remember, I know when you're sleeping and when your mothers are awake.

[TampaVille]

Oh my god. That was the most disturbingly hillarious post I have seen yet on this forum. Just... wow . I've been laughing for a couple minute straight... no sign yet of letting up...

[xrayvision]

Which one? Post #1944 or #1958 (or both)? I like #1944 better, but #1958 is a good continuation.

[TampaVille]

I meant 1958. 1944 probably is better (especially the first part), but this one takes the joke so far beyond the realm of what any human being could rationally expect to read, that hillariousness just takes over

[xrayvision]

Haha, thanks. I liked the parts about the coffin & locket from #1944. Reading over #1958, I started laughing hilariously at the thought of "Cousin Shelby-It". It's so absurd that it's funny. And I wasn't even in that much of a mood for posting. Glad I did.

I thank TPTB for making Lex & Lana so messed up that such things can be written about them and appear funny.

EDIT: I was thinking of adding Mr. Ed-Stompy to the dinner scene, but I'm glad I didn't, since Mr. Ed has nothing to do with the Addams Family.

[TampaVille]

I enjoyed the Dr. Walden reference

[Daddylion]

Awww Clark and Lionel father/son bonding! How sweet

[xrayvision]

Lionel: Hello son.

Lex: What do you want now dad?

Lionel: I just stopped by to let you know I made a $100,000 contribution in your name to the Strapped Down Heroes Withheld Against Their Will Foundation.

Lex: Ahhhhhrrrrrr!!!! Raaaaahhhrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

[Kidd]

.....

Lex: Noooo, not the SDHWATWF !!!! How could you?!?

Lionel: I am doing this for you son... you will understand when you grow older or some hair

[Daddylion]

Originally posted by xrayvision
Lionel: Hello son.

Lex: What do you want now dad?

Lionel: I just stopped by to let you know I made a $100,000 contribution in your name to the Strapped Down Heroes Withheld Against Their Will Foundation.

Lex: Ahhhhhrrrrrr!!!! Raaaaahhhrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

Poor lexy, no more evil science hoyayness.