Author: Phoenixnz
Title: Sometimes I Think About Dying
Rating: PG (for theme)
Characters: Clark, Lex
Genre: Angst, H/C
Summary: Clark thinks about dying. Season 2: Fever
Sometimes I think about dying. I wonder how my parents would feel if I was suddenly not there anymore. Would their lives be better for not having to keep secrets, or would the farm suffer because I wasn’t there to keep it running.
I sometimes wonder if maybe they would have been better off if they’d never found me. I brought so many complications to their lives. The secrets they had to keep from other people. I don’t remember what it was like when I first went to live with them, but I know people used to stare when we went into town. They were curious about the mysterious child who suddenly turned up in the Kent household. No one knew Martha and Jonathan Kent were thinking of adopting, they would say.
I think maybe I’m a jinx for them. God knows, having an alien child must have been difficult for them. My mom often talks about the years when I wasn’t so careful with my strength. Let’s just say that there were a lot of dead animals because I didn’t know how to control myself. I still get nightmares about that sometimes.
I certainly cost more to keep than an animal. I eat more than the average teenager, or so I gather. I make up for it, I suppose, since they don’t have to hire other hands to keep the farm going, but still ... When I was thirteen, I was a skinny, scrawny kid but I shot up several inches that year and filled out. My mother was forever having to buy new shirts as I tore the old ones when they got too tight. Yeah, I’m expensive to keep.
If I died, would they save money?
I think about Lana, with her obsession with her dead parents. I remember her telling me about the dreams she used to have where her parents would show up at school. That they weren’t dead, just really late. She misses them, even though they’re probably only a distant memory. She doesn’t visit their graves much anymore. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Would she visit mine if I was gone?
I think about Chloe. Part of me, deep down, knows she feels something for me, but I don’t think it’s love. At least, not the romantic kind of love. I think in a lot of ways she sees me as the brother she never had. She envies me the two parents together, even if they’re not my birth parents, because her own aren’t together. It must hurt to think that her mother didn’t want her.
I used to feel that way about my birth parents, until I knew the truth. They sent me away to save me, but I still have to wonder why they didn’t try to save themselves as well. Or maybe they did. Maybe there was another ship that day and maybe that ship landed somewhere else in Smallville, or maybe not even in Smallville. If that was true, why didn’t they come looking for me?
But back to Chloe. Yeah, she has a crush on me, but I think it’s one born of loneliness. Sometimes it’s possible to be the most popular person around yet still feel as if you’re alone. I mean, Chloe’s outgoing and she’s bold as brass sometimes, but I get the impression she’s kind of lonely. She doesn’t date, not since the one guy she did date turned out to be a psycho and tried to kill her. We won’t go there with the dance that ended in disaster – literally.
Would Chloe miss me if I was dead? Or would she just find another sidekick?
Then there’s Pete. I know it’s a burden for him, knowing my secret. Ryan said as much. God, I miss that kid. I hate knowing that even with all my abilities, I couldn’t save him. I’m digressing, I know. Pete. I know it stresses him out. There was that time when he was infected with the parasite. He seemed so free of the burdens. Of course, he was blurting out my secret all over the place. So stupid. I wish I’d never told him. Never had to tell him.
Pete would miss me. I mean, we’ve been friends since we played in the sandbox together as toddlers. He just won’t miss the stress of keeping my secret.
Last, but definitely not least is Lex. I know he thinks I don’t trust him. I’m sure he knows part of my secret but doesn’t want to wait for me to tell him. The thing is, how can I tell him? How can I burden him with this, knowing what his father is like? I don’t want Lex to get hurt. That’s the whole point. I’m afraid he will get hurt if he knows, because I’m sure that Lionel won’t let it lie. He’ll find out somehow that Lex knows my secret and he’ll use Lex to hurt me. That man doesn’t care about friendship. He thinks things like that are a weakness.
There’s one other secret that Lex doesn’t know, and I will never tell him. Maybe he suspects, but it’s not like it’s something that is easily revealed. I think Chloe knows, but then, she’s seen the looks I’ve sent his way when he’s come into the Talon. He doesn’t feel the same way. He loves me as a brother.
Lex is the one person I would miss and the one person I regret not telling the truth to. At least without me around, he might not get so many knocks on the head, haha. Seriously, he would be better off without me.
The only thing I would regret about dying is he would be alone. Lex is probably the only person who could ever understand how lonely it is to be so unlike everyone else.
Lex closed the notebook, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.
“You’re wrong, Clark,” he thought of the young man just a few yards away, his body hot with fever from exposure to the spores from meteor rock, crumbled into dust. “About so many things.”
He left the barn. Jonathan Kent didn’t know he was there and he’d parked his car a short distance away, not wanting the older man to hear the engine. He’d heard Clark was sick from Helen, the woman he’d settled for thinking he could never have the person he really wanted.
He glanced toward the house, torn between going to his friend and trying to ease his pain, both emotionally and physically, and going to find a cure for the illness that was killing the only person, beside his mother and Pamela, that he’d ever loved. Common sense won out.
He left as quietly as he’d come.
Title: Sometimes I Think About Dying
Rating: PG (for theme)
Characters: Clark, Lex
Genre: Angst, H/C
Summary: Clark thinks about dying. Season 2: Fever
Sometimes I think about dying. I wonder how my parents would feel if I was suddenly not there anymore. Would their lives be better for not having to keep secrets, or would the farm suffer because I wasn’t there to keep it running.
I sometimes wonder if maybe they would have been better off if they’d never found me. I brought so many complications to their lives. The secrets they had to keep from other people. I don’t remember what it was like when I first went to live with them, but I know people used to stare when we went into town. They were curious about the mysterious child who suddenly turned up in the Kent household. No one knew Martha and Jonathan Kent were thinking of adopting, they would say.
I think maybe I’m a jinx for them. God knows, having an alien child must have been difficult for them. My mom often talks about the years when I wasn’t so careful with my strength. Let’s just say that there were a lot of dead animals because I didn’t know how to control myself. I still get nightmares about that sometimes.
I certainly cost more to keep than an animal. I eat more than the average teenager, or so I gather. I make up for it, I suppose, since they don’t have to hire other hands to keep the farm going, but still ... When I was thirteen, I was a skinny, scrawny kid but I shot up several inches that year and filled out. My mother was forever having to buy new shirts as I tore the old ones when they got too tight. Yeah, I’m expensive to keep.
If I died, would they save money?
I think about Lana, with her obsession with her dead parents. I remember her telling me about the dreams she used to have where her parents would show up at school. That they weren’t dead, just really late. She misses them, even though they’re probably only a distant memory. She doesn’t visit their graves much anymore. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Would she visit mine if I was gone?
I think about Chloe. Part of me, deep down, knows she feels something for me, but I don’t think it’s love. At least, not the romantic kind of love. I think in a lot of ways she sees me as the brother she never had. She envies me the two parents together, even if they’re not my birth parents, because her own aren’t together. It must hurt to think that her mother didn’t want her.
I used to feel that way about my birth parents, until I knew the truth. They sent me away to save me, but I still have to wonder why they didn’t try to save themselves as well. Or maybe they did. Maybe there was another ship that day and maybe that ship landed somewhere else in Smallville, or maybe not even in Smallville. If that was true, why didn’t they come looking for me?
But back to Chloe. Yeah, she has a crush on me, but I think it’s one born of loneliness. Sometimes it’s possible to be the most popular person around yet still feel as if you’re alone. I mean, Chloe’s outgoing and she’s bold as brass sometimes, but I get the impression she’s kind of lonely. She doesn’t date, not since the one guy she did date turned out to be a psycho and tried to kill her. We won’t go there with the dance that ended in disaster – literally.
Would Chloe miss me if I was dead? Or would she just find another sidekick?
Then there’s Pete. I know it’s a burden for him, knowing my secret. Ryan said as much. God, I miss that kid. I hate knowing that even with all my abilities, I couldn’t save him. I’m digressing, I know. Pete. I know it stresses him out. There was that time when he was infected with the parasite. He seemed so free of the burdens. Of course, he was blurting out my secret all over the place. So stupid. I wish I’d never told him. Never had to tell him.
Pete would miss me. I mean, we’ve been friends since we played in the sandbox together as toddlers. He just won’t miss the stress of keeping my secret.
Last, but definitely not least is Lex. I know he thinks I don’t trust him. I’m sure he knows part of my secret but doesn’t want to wait for me to tell him. The thing is, how can I tell him? How can I burden him with this, knowing what his father is like? I don’t want Lex to get hurt. That’s the whole point. I’m afraid he will get hurt if he knows, because I’m sure that Lionel won’t let it lie. He’ll find out somehow that Lex knows my secret and he’ll use Lex to hurt me. That man doesn’t care about friendship. He thinks things like that are a weakness.
There’s one other secret that Lex doesn’t know, and I will never tell him. Maybe he suspects, but it’s not like it’s something that is easily revealed. I think Chloe knows, but then, she’s seen the looks I’ve sent his way when he’s come into the Talon. He doesn’t feel the same way. He loves me as a brother.
Lex is the one person I would miss and the one person I regret not telling the truth to. At least without me around, he might not get so many knocks on the head, haha. Seriously, he would be better off without me.
The only thing I would regret about dying is he would be alone. Lex is probably the only person who could ever understand how lonely it is to be so unlike everyone else.
Lex closed the notebook, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.
“You’re wrong, Clark,” he thought of the young man just a few yards away, his body hot with fever from exposure to the spores from meteor rock, crumbled into dust. “About so many things.”
He left the barn. Jonathan Kent didn’t know he was there and he’d parked his car a short distance away, not wanting the older man to hear the engine. He’d heard Clark was sick from Helen, the woman he’d settled for thinking he could never have the person he really wanted.
He glanced toward the house, torn between going to his friend and trying to ease his pain, both emotionally and physically, and going to find a cure for the illness that was killing the only person, beside his mother and Pamela, that he’d ever loved. Common sense won out.
He left as quietly as he’d come.
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