A Not So Fairytale

[Aries83]

Hey everyone,

I hope no one minds my being the first to post in this forum, but ever since I heard about the pilot for this show (and where it was set), I couldn't help but think of an English assignment I submitted back in college around 2004.

The assignment was to write a story within a story, so I submitted this because I had already written it a couple of years ago and figured it was acceptable.

When I submitted it, the title was a play on the Tori Amos song, "A Sorta Fairytale" since I had gotten the album two years later when it was released.

The setting is somewhat similar, although it's a little darker in tone in the beginning. As time went on, it took on a life of its own and became a dark comedy.

I'm only posting a small portion of it, but if any of you out there are interested, I'll post more, so let me know!

A Not So Fairytale
He lived in a quaint house in the Storybook Forest. His name was Adam. His father was a drunk, and his mother was dead. On the outside, they appeared to be an average family, but they were anything but. When the doors were closed, all hell broke loose inside their home. Adam's father would guzzle 40's, and get high constantly. Inside the basement of the house lived a big, bad wolf. This wolf was particularly jealous of Adam and the attention he seemed to easily garner from everyone. In its mind's eye, the wolf set out on an adventurous trek to destroy Adam and all his happiness. He planned a fate worse than death, he planned a life of suffering. The wolf calculated carefully and cut into Adam when he knew it would hurt him the most. The wolf was merciless. He enjoyed, and was even gluttonous with his torture. The abuse Adam suffered at the hands of the big, bad wolf was so painful that it made him cry. Adam couldn't show his emotions because to show his emotions in his mind was a means of forfeiting to weakness. Consequently, Adam bottled up his raging emotions. To escape the wolf's cruelty, Adam hid in every imaginable place he could, but he was found nevertheless.

When he could no longer stand it, Adam ran from the house into the dark, ambiguous woods. One day, while trying to find food, Adam saw a young girl walking through the forest. She was wearing a red cloak and dress. She was also carrying a picnic basket. He walked up to the young girl and they began talking.

"You're a strange little girl," said Adam.

"Yes, I am," replied the girl.

"Well, I'm a strange little boy, would you like to be freaky with me? That's what it would be, our connection anyway. You're strange, I'm strange, we're bound to be freakish together."

"It sounds intriguing, but I'm busy."

"Busy with what?"

"Don't you know anything, strange little boy? People who live in the Storybook Forest have jobs you know. I'm bound to a life-long contract.

"Oh, I see. So, you're busy working. What do you do?"

"Well, every year I have to do the same thing over and over. You see, I have to run away from a big, bad wolf in order to escape to my grandmother's house. When I arrive there, I learn that this wolf has killed my grandmother and has taken her place. In order to maintain real-world peace, for all the people who read this story, I have to pretend that I have no clue he's really there. Right now, though, I don't have time to tell you what happens, but I just signed a movie deal with NBC two weeks ago, you'll see soon enough."

"I see. I am in the process of running away from my big, bad wolf too."

"I understand. Just don't sell yourself to some heartless hack like I did in order to make money."

"I wont, I'm not that stupid. Hey, what are you carrying in that picnic basket, a nuclear bomb?"

"No, I wish, but it's sort of the same thing. It will kill you, anyway. As you know, I'm traveling to my grandmother's. She needs supplies."

"What kind of supplies?"

"Heroin and cocaine."

"Oh my goodness, what kind of grandmother do you have?"

"Well, since we've been enslaved into the Storybook Forest, my grandmother has aged. She's over 100 years old. She can't function without receiving a little kick in the morning. These drugs just give her a little more edge so that she can stay conscious for fifteen minutes at a time. She also has a small drug business on the side so that she has enough money to buy ingredients for the baked goods she sells at PTA meetings."

"Wow, she sounds like a busy, dedicated grandmother. My grandmother isn't like her at all. I have one of those grandmas who watches TNN all day long. It can really get on your nerves, but sometimes you feel obligated to sit with her even though you know you don't have anything in common with her."

"That sounds like a drag, at least she doesn't watch Martha Stewart all day long like my sister Beauty."

"Sleeping Beauty? The young girl who was poisoned by an evil witch and later woke up by means of a kiss from a prince?"

"Yes, she is my sister. I hate her. It should be me living in that mansion. I should be the one eating the gourmet dinners, I should be the one having sex seven days a week, not her. She's horrible, she's not even fit to be a wife. When she was under the spell of that wicked witch, who in my opinion is a Godsend, that fine prince came knocking on my door. We had something going on for awhile, but then she just had to wake up. I'm suing the witch. Her powers weren't strong enough to successfully carry out our agreement. Anyway, Beauty was nothing until that blind prince came along. When she met him, she was just another hooker selling herself on the streets of the Storybook Forest. He made her what she is today, but it's all a lie. One night, she got really drunk and was arguing with my aunt. She said that the prince didn't make her, she made herself. That girl would sell anything for crack. Of course, he had to come along and save her but hey, good for her I guess."

"She sounds like a psycho," replied Adam.

"Oh, you have no clue. She once tried to run him over in his grandmother's driveway. I thought it was really funny, but it could have been dangerous. So what's your story anyway strange little boy?"

"Well, I'm running away from my own big, bad wolf. I'm making my own fairytale. Maybe someday it will end."

"Maybe, but I must go on now. It is another day, another dollar. I hope things work out for you, I'm sure they will. See you around."

The girl then disappeared into the forest.

[dotsie23]

That was different! I hope you'll post more!

[Aries83]

Thank you for reading it, dotsie! It was really fun to write, actually. There's more, and I promise that it gets funnier (or at least it was funny to me when I wrote it). I'll post a little more of it soon

[dotsie23]

Cool deal! I wait until the next installment.

[Aries83]

Part 2
Adam walked many miles through the forest that night, but he could hear the footsteps of the wolf closely behind. Adam knew he had to hide like he always had before, so he hid behind a large boulder and fell asleep. At sunrise, he awoke to the sound of a middle-aged woman calling his name. He rubbed his eyes and looked up at her. She was of average height, and fairly attractive for a middle-aged woman. She had long black hair.

"Hey you, wake up before I kill you and sell your organs on the black market!" she yelled.

Okay, okay. Geez, you don't have to make empty threats like Saddam Hussein. I could punch you in the head for waking me up so damn early, but I don't feel like it.

"Don't get sassy with me dude, I'm not the person to mess with."

"What? Am I supposed to be scared now? Oh, look at me, I'm shaking in my boots. Go back to the nut house you escaped from and leave me alone.

The woman laughed.

"You're pretty funny, what's your name?"

"Adam, what's your name?"

"Snow."

"Snow White?"

"That would be me."

"What are you doing all the way out into the forest, shouldn't you be with your husband?"

"Well, you certainly get to the point don't you. Okay, I'll tell you, but only because you're a stranger. You've read my story, right? I'm in the process of attaining an audio book contract so that I can pay some bills. I was supposed to get a movie deal with ABC last year, but they told me they wouldn't produce it. That's what happens when your tits start sagging. Anyway, you know the story. After our happy ending, we moved into the mansion. I'm not complaining, but I have to say, the sex was horrible. He wouldn't even try to please me, he just thought he did. I've faked it at least 50 times. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew something was up with him. He just wasn't interested in me. Then, one night, after faking it, I finally had the courage to ask him. He had a cigarette in his hand, thinking he was a king, but not in my book. Finally, I asked him.

"Asked him what?" inquired Adam.

"I asked him if he was gay. He didn't say anything for awhile, but after a few minutes he confessed to it. You can't trust these storybook heroes, I'll tell you that much. Anyway, he told me that he was having an affair. I wasn't shocked, but I was quite curious as to whom he was sleeping with. He's been sleeping with my sister Beauty's husband. I don't think she knows though, but she will soon. He's going to make an appearance on Rosie O'Donnell in two weeks."

"Your Sleeping Beauty's sister? You don't look like sisters at all."

"Welcome to the world of hair-coloring."

"You dyed your hair? Why?"

"Adam, one day you will learn that appearances are everything. I came to the Storybook Forest in order to make something of myself. I'm a natural blonde. People don't take blondes seriously, so I had to change that aspect of myself in order to be successful. Do you know how many people laugh at my sisters? I couldn't have that happen to me. I came here looking for fame and fortune, and I was going to do anything I could do to get it. Of course, having good hand coordination and oral muscles isn't bad either."

"You didn't do what I think you did to get ahead did you?"

"Of course. Madonna has an audio tape and video instruction package on the market that teaches you how to do it. She also teaches you to value contraceptive devices. She's my hero. This instructional package even outsold her Sex book."

"That book was lame."

"I know. So, what brings you to the forest, Adam?"

"I'm running away from a big, bad wolf."

"Oh, you too? My sister has been doing that for years."

"Little Red Riding Hood is your sister too?"

"Yes, that b****. I really should hire someone to kill her, but I just haven't had the time."

"Why do you want to kill her?"

"That red cloak is mine. It was a birthday present. That thieving b**** stole it when she ran away. She's practically famous because of me. And you know what the worst part is? She never thanked me for that coat. That lousy piece of trailer trash doesn't have anything on me. Anyway, did you run into her on your journey?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I ran into her yesterday."

"That figures. How can she stand to do the same thing over and over? I'll never understand it."

"She was carrying some drugs in her picnic basket. She said they were for her grandmother."

"They're both addicts. They think they're the sexiest 'babes' in the Storybook Forest. They even went on Jenny Jones and made complete fools out of themselves. It's not my life, and honestly, I don't care what happens to those fifty-cent whores."

"Oh, well, I just thought I'd mention it."

"That's ok.

Snow White then reaches into her pocket, as if she is looking for something.

"Oh no! The onion ring! No!"

"What's wrong?" yelled Adam.

"The onion ring, I must not lose it! It's a very powerful onion ring!

"Wait a minute, what the hell are you doing?"

"Um, the dwarves and I are ripping off The Lord of the Rings trilogy."

"Why are you doing that?"

"Money. Kids aren't as stupid as they used to be. All of the old stories don't sell anymore. Besides, we need to sell this rip off story so that we can revive our careers. Plus, I need to pay all the children for making my own line of designer clothes. I have a sweatshop in China."

"You have a sweatshop, and you pay little children to make your clothes? You really are evil."

Snow white begins to cry uncontrollably. Adam interrupts her.

"It didn't work for Kathy Lee Gifford, and it won't work for you."

"You're right. She talked too much about her kids anyway, that's why they fired her and hired Miss Sweet Buns."

"Oh, I love Kelly"

"Me too."

They both give each other a high five.

"Well, Adam, I need to go and save the onion ring from evil Lucky Charms leprechaun. I will see you around. Take care."

Snow White then puts on a pair of hobbit's feet and runs off.

Adam starts his journey back through the forest when he hears growling from the forthcoming patch of trees. He knew he was in trouble. Suddenly, the big, bad wolf jumped out in front of him. Adam yelled.

"You're not going to get away from me," said the big, bad wolf.

"Yes, I am!" yelled Adam.

Filled with confidence, Adam overcame his fear and began running through the thick, green forest. He knew the wolf wasn't far behind, but he had to get away. In the past, the wolf was always trying to stop Adam from truly being happy. Adam had his own plans for his life, but the wolf never seemed to understand. Adam continued running until he suddenly fell into a deep lake. He knew he was in trouble, but the wolf just laughed and ran away into the forest. Adam diligently swam halfway across the lake until his legs gave out. He could no longer swim. He heard a young woman's voice calling out to him.

"I'll save you! Hold on!"

Adam couldn't see her face, but she seemed to be throwing a long rope into the water.

"Grab it! Hurry!" she cried.

Adam grabbed the rope tightly and the mysterious woman pulled him to shore. He laid on the ground. The woman handed him a towel and began braiding her hair.

"Who are you?" asked Adam.

"My name is Rupunzel."

"The Rupunzel"

"In the flesh."

"Thank you for saving my life, I thought I was pretty much done for."

"No problem."

After drying off and having a bite to eat, Adam and Rupunzel began talking."

"Why is your hair so long Rupunzel?" asked Adam.

"Because I'm a lesbian."

"You're a lesbian?"

"Yes, why else would I have such long hair? I was one of those boyish looking girls who had really long hair in order to hide the fact that I was a lesbian."

"Oh...I once knew a girl like that. But, just because a girl has unusually long hair doesn't mean she's automatically gay, right?"

"Of course not, but in my case it was a security blanket."

"So, if you're a lesbian, what happened to the man in your story?"

"Well, I was so annoyed by his voice, the way he called my name. I had had enough. I let him climb my braids and he came into my room. I went over to my dresser and grabbed a pair of scissors. You see, I was going to cut my hair just as he was calling my name, he interrupted me. So, I put one of the sharp blades against his neck and I slashed his throat!"

"Oh my god," said Adam.

"He had it coming. I feel no remorse. I have sworn off men forever."

Adam laughed.

"I'm not completely alone though," said Repunzel."

"Oh, really," said Adam.

"You see that young girl jumping rope over there?"

"Yes."

"That's my adopted daughter, Goldilocks."

"Goldilocks? That's an interesting name. How did she come to be with you?"

"Well, about ten years ago, I was outside picking fresh apples for my apple pie when this young girl came running up to me with a baby girl. She said she didn't know what to do, she said she couldn't keep her. She said she was married and that she wanted nothing to do with the father or the child. She kept ranting and raving that she was going to throw the poor thing in the dumpster and leave it for dead, so I kept her."

"What was the girl's name? Who was the mother?"

"Oh, it's been so long. I think she said her name was Snow White."

"Oh my God," said Adam.

"What is it?" questioned Repunzel.

"I just met Snow White yesterday. She must have abandoned the baby because the father was gay!"

"Really? Well, if you're assumption is correct, that's an incredibly stupid reason to abandon a child, but I believe it -- especially in this sordid place."

"Who knows why people do the things they do. Anyway, what about Goldie, what does she like to do?" asked Adam.

"Well, I don't let her out into the forest much anymore. This girl is a handful. Just last week she got into a fight with another girl named Ariel. Goldilocks said that Ariel had called her a slut, so she punched her in the face, broke her nose right then and there." She's run away a few times. She likes breaking and entering. I don't know why."

"Wow," said Adam.

"So, young man, why are you here? Who were you running from?"

"Well, that wolf, he's chasing me. I'm running away."

"I see, just like Little Red Riding Hood."

"Yeah, he almost caught me. It was a good thing you were there to save me."

"At least this hair is still good for something. Well, unfortunately, I must say goodbye to you. My grandchildren Hansel and Gretel are coming over for supper."

"They're your grandchildren?"

"Yes. You see, a long time ago, their aunt, an evil witch, tried to burn them alive in her oven."

"Wait a minute, I thought they didn't know the witch?"

"Well, Adam, a lot of the stories you know of have been changing over the years. The Storybook Forest isn't as wholesome as it appears to be. The powers that be changed the original story and made it a little different. They didn't want people to know that their own aunt tried to murder them."

"How interesting. I guess things are never what they seem are they?"

"No, quite the opposite. Well, Adam, I better get to cooking, these young kids can eat up a storm."

"Ok. Thank you for saving my life back there."

"No problem, Adam. You come and see me some time."

After their conversation ended, the old woman disappeared behind the door of her house and Adam continued his journey. He knew he had to get rid of the wolf, but he didn't know how.

[dotsie23]

This fic is both morbid and funny! Also, I'm intrigue with Adam's encounters with the inhabitants of Storybook Forest! What's up with the big, bad wolf? I hope you'll post more!
Also, very funny with the Kathie Lee, Madonna, LOTR references and Snow slipping on Hobbit feet!

[Aries83]

Part 3
(Final)
After walking ten miles, Adam was surprised to find a Wal-Mart discount store right in the middle of a forest. He ventured in to see if he could buy some supplies. He headed for the gun section. When he got there, he was shocked to find out who was selling the guns.

"Would you like to buy a gun?" said the person behind the counter.

"Yes, I would like to buy a gun. Are you who I think you are?"

"Yes, I'm Mickey Mouse, can I sell you a gun now?"

"Okay, but why are you selling guns? And where's Minnie?

"I killed her."

"What!" cried Adam

"I killed her. Do I need to spell it out for you?"

"Why?"

"She had it coming. She thought she owned me, but she thought wrong. One night, I came home and she had made a lousy dinner, so I decided to complain about it. I told her that Macaroni and Cheese wasn't a meal, and she started telling me what to do. She was a very dominating person, and by that point I was at my last end with her. She made me angry, so I grabbed that boiling pot of Macaroni and threw it in her face. She started screaming. I didn't want to wake up Donald next door, so I grabbed a butcher knife and stabbed her to death. Then, I cut her up into little pieces and put her in my freezer. The cops eventually found out, and I was sentenced to twenty years in prison. I did my time. Now, I'm selling guns here in the Storybook Forest. Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, I don't. Minnie's dead."

"Yeah, I told you that already."

"You're a very cruel person, Mickey."

"Do you want a gun or not?"

"Yes, but don't I have to be a certain age?"

"This is Wal-Mart, we don't verify age, we just sell guns. Unfortunately, kids shoot each other and corporate covers it up and denies it."

"Oh, I see. I would like a rifle. I need to kill a wolf."

Mickey Mouse shows Adam the many styles and brands of rifles, and he chooses the one he likes best. As he's standing at the counter, he runs into Snow White again.

"Hey Snow, what are you doing here? I thought you were trying to recover the onion ring?"

"Yes, but I'm not as stupid as a hobbit. In this day and age, everyone needs a gun. I'm not going into the forest empty-handed. I'm not going to let the Lucky Charms leprechaun get that onion ring, it's too dangerous."

"I see your point. If you destroy the onion ring, Snow, just remember, you can always get one at Burger King."

"I gotcha, thanks for the advice Adam."

"No problem. I have a gun. I'm going to kill the wolf now. This story has gone on long enough."

Snow White wished him luck, and now Adam was stalking his prey. The hunted always become the hunter in the end, at least in this story. As he walked in the Wal-Mart parking lot, Adam could see the wolf coming after him. The wolf yells to Adam as he points the gun.

"You don't have the guts to kill me!"

"Yes, I do." yelled Adam.

Adam blows the wolf's head off. The wolf's body collapsed and its head began rolling towards Adam's feet. Blood had splattered all over the black asphalt. Everyone inside the store heard the shot and they came running out.

"Who wants roadkill!" yelled Adam.

Suddenly, everyone cheered for Adam.

Shortly after killing the wolf, Adam sent out word that the wolf was dead and invited everyone for a feast. He set up a table and cooked the wolf. Little Red Riding Hood, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White were invited. Little did they know that they'd be participating in a family reunion.

"Oh, great, I have to endure two hours of your company?" said Little Red Riding Hood.

"Yes, dear sister, you do," said Beauty.

"I could die," said Snow"

b****," said Red to Snow.

"Whore," said Snow to Red

"Just for the record, you're both skanks," said Beauty.

Across from them sat Rupunzel, and Goldilocks. They were having an argument with one another.

"Slow down, Goldilocks!" Yelled Repunzel.

"Shutup you old b****!" yelled Goldilocks.

"Now look here little girl, we are going to keep up appearances, we are going to act like we are the only sane people here, you got it? Don't make me slap the s*** out of you right here. And stop eating all the f***ing porridge! Do you want to end up like Star Jones and think that everything is food?"

"Hell no. If my ass was that huge, I would've blow my own head off!"

"Then shut your mouth and eat your dinner!" screamed Repunzel.

Snow White was looking at Goldilocks from across the table. Goldilocks saw her.

"What the f*** you lookin at b****?" said Goldilocks.

"F*** you!" yelled Snow White.

Adam signaled to everyone that he was about to make a speech.

"Everyone, the wolf is dead."

Everyone sitting at the table claps.

"We are here to feast on the bloody remains of this big, bad, dead wolf! The object of my hate is now dead and now my life will be filled with happiness. Well, as long as I take my anti-depressants."

Everybody clapped for Adam and they had their wonderful hillbilly dinner.

And so, the dysfunctional people of Storybook Forest had a big dinner and didn't live happily ever after. They just want you to believe that they did.

The End

[dotsie23]

Wow! I thought Snow and the girls were going to start tearing out each others hair! wasn't expecting the Big, bad wolf to get eaten! I think Adam would be better off with an endless supply of prozac! Also, what family reunion would be complete without an obligatory cat fight

[Aries83]

wasn't expecting the Big, bad wolf to get eaten! I think Adam would be better off with an endless supply of prozac!

I'm sure they have an endless supply in Storybook Land somewhere! At the time it was written, I wanted to keep going, but eventually ran out of ideas so it ended there.

After I saw the pilot for OUAT, I couldn't help but think of this story. I hope you liked it. When I wrote it, I thought connecting certain fairytale characters to each other was clever, so it's nice to see something similar (but so different) airing on television now. Thanks for reading!

[dotsie23]

Thanks for writing it! I did enjoy reading it! I could see something like as a lead in for the show Dexter!

[ryro-fanfiction-x3]

What an awsome story! Thank you for sharing!