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Author: Phoenixnz
Title: Twelve Days of Torture (er Christmas)
Genre: crackfic, parody
Characters: Luthor, Superman
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. I'm not even sure I'm sane enough to at this point, judging from this little effort.
Feedback: Please leave some before the men in white coats come to get me.
a/n: Okay, so you know how you get these evil plot bunnies from time to time? Well, here's mine, and it is totally evil! I was listening to my Christmas CD and thinking about a parody of the Twelve Days of Christmas, and came up with this lunacy. And I know it's traditionally the Twelve Days after Christmas, but since when does Lex Luthor do traditional?
Twelve Days of Torture, er I mean Christmas
December 12, 2020
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Gift
Luthor,
What kind of insanity is this? I get home last night to find you have left me a rooster. And not just any rooster. Apparently this thing has been dosed with Kryptonite! Because its cock-a-doodle dos are enough to wake the dead! Is it some kind of revenge for the Justice League breaking into Cadmus? I know I grew up on a farm but even I have my limits of tolerance. I’m going to be deaf for days at this rate.
Superman
December 13
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Attack of the clones?
Luthor,
I know you’re a sci-fi geek from way back but Attack of the Clones was the worst movie ever! So why in Rao’s name did you decide that creating two clones, of me, by the way, would be such a great idea? I’m sure you had another idea in mind when you told both Bizarros to ‘party hard’. They partied all right, all through every nightclub in town. It was like they’d both been dosed with Red Kryptonite, although we both know that that won’t do anything to them except make them sick. I have been close to being beaten up or jumped by every horny female in town. And Lois isn’t speaking to me, thank you very much. But I’m guessing that was your goal all along. I hate you!
Superman
December 14
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Are you insane?
Luthor,
I don’t know what you’re playing at but the three robots menacing Metropolis, on separate sides of the city is not my idea of a good time. And you had to pick the moment just when the Justice League is dealing with a disaster on the other side of the world. What’s worse is you had the robots equipped with Kryptonite rays! Well, let me tell you something, you bald-headed menace, thanks to you Superman is now being sued by the city for property damage after they went haywire and rampaged through the city. It’s a good thing I found the programmer and managed to stop them or else there wouldn’t be a Metropolis.
Superman
December 15
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: The joke is definitely over
Luthor,
It’s all very well to play these childish jokes on me, or other members of the Justice League, but to inflict it on the entire office of the Daily Planet? It’s bad enough having to attend the annual Daily Planet Christmas bash, but it’s another thing altogether when the four cases of champagne, provided for the party has been laced with ... well, Batman is still having it analysed but we know it came from you Luthor. We have the delivery docket to prove it. And do you know how difficult it is to talk your boss off the roof of the Daily Planet especially when he’s convinced he can fly.
Superman
December 16
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: The joke is on you, Luthor
Hiya Lexy,
Thanks so much for the Kryptonite rings. Well, one of them anyway. Five was a bit much, but I kept one and threw the rest away. After all, what would I need gold, purple and blue Kryptonite for anyway? As for the green, well, we both know what that does to me. And the red ... I could fly right over there and strangle you, but I’m in too good a mood. Want to know why? Because I just got laid! Five times! And you’re still stuck in that penthouse with no one to do. Guess you’ll be alone this Christmas. Ya wanna know what I say to that? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I thumb my super nose at you, you sorry excuse for a super villain. At least I have Lois. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. I’m on to you. You’re just jealous because I’m getting some and you’re not. Too bad Lexy, you had your chance back in Smallville and you blew it big time buddy.
Never yours,
Superstud
December 17
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Fine!
Luthor,
Look, I know you’re pissed about yesterday’s email, but I happened to have been under the influence of Red Kryptonite, which, by the way, was all your fault you bald schmuck! Yes, I said schmuck. You know if you had done something about it years ago then we wouldn’t be enemies, did you ever think of that? And what the hell? Sending six members of your Injustice League to wreak havoc, not to mention the fact that one of them included Parasite! Do you know what damage that idiot could have done with my powers? Good thing I learned my lesson the last time I ran into that moron. Let me tell you, he is not the brightest banana in the bunch. Well, none of them are particularly smart, but that one takes the cake. With his power to absorb other people’s powers, you’d think he’d have leeched at least some of your supposed genius. But then if you were even half the genius you say you are, then you wouldn’t be coming up with these lame-brained schemes all the time just to get back at me.
Superman
December 18
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: You are driving me insane!
Luthor
Okay, this really isn’t funny anymore. It wasn’t enough to send in the mutant rooster, the two clones, the three robots, the four cases of doctored champagne, the five Kryptonite rings and the six members of the Injustice League, now you decide to create more chaos inside my house with seven other mutant birds. And the fact that they happen to be female! The rooster doesn’t know if he’s coming or going, running around the backyard crowing his head off at all times of the day and night. The noise complaints have got ten times worse, and now I’ve been served notice from not just my neighbours, who by the way, happen to live a mile away, but also the Smallville town council have threatened to have the birds destroyed! This really bites! I swear, Luthor, if I can find a way past the Kryptonite shielding you have on that building I am going to ... on second thought, you might just get off on it. You are a sick man, Luthor.
Angrily,
Superman
December 19
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: You have completely lost your mind!
Luthor,
Thanks to you, Lois is no longer speaking to me and now I have to deal with rampaging mutant cows through my front yard. You and your Kryptonite experiments. I suppose you were trying to sell this idea as an endless supply of milk? But the eight milking maids? Who, by the way, are most definitely not maids and are clearly psychotic. Everywhere I turned, there they were. And they certainly weren’t trying to milk cows. Never was I more grateful for super speed. Hence Lois refuses to speak to me. She has gone ‘home’ to her father. And you wouldn’t believe the tirade from the old man. I know the man’s a general (retired) but the words that came out of that man’s mouth! Think about what my father used to say about you, then triple it.
I am so going to get you for this!
Superman
December 20
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Argh!
LUTHOR!!!!!
Just when I had managed to talk Lois into coming home, I find not one, not two but nine, count them, nine! Uh, well, how can I put this as delicately as possible? er, ladies of the night, on my doorstep. Which sent Lois back to her father’s in total disgust. No matter what I say she doesn’t believe it all came from you. You are making my life a living hell.
Superman
December 21
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: I am not gay!
Luthor,
You had to do it, didn’t you? Don’t think I didn’t see the full-page ad in the Inquisitor saying I am gay and that I’m auditioning for my next piece of arm-candy. And there were ten guys lined up wanting the job. Yeah, most amusing, Luthor. NOT! Getting rid of them was like trying to raise the Titanic. Without powers! Although I have to say that some of them are quite, uh, talented. And get your mind out of the gutter, you pervert. That wasn’t what I meant. You are really getting on my last nerve, but you wait. I’ll have the last word, see if I won’t.
Superman
December 22
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Official notice from the Noise Abatement Society
To Superman, at the Fortress of Solitude, The Arctic, Planet Earth
Dear Superman
It is our sad duty to advise you that we have had a number of complaints from your closest neighbour, Mr S Claus of the North Pole, over the noise coming from your crystal fortress. While we appreciate all forms of music, the acoustics are causing avalanches and we also believe a number of earthquakes. We would recommend you employ quieter means of entertaining your friends at the Justice League than eleven pipers. And are eleven really necessary?
Reginald Croft, Noise Abatement Society.
PS: the local penguin population is considering migrating to the south pole unless the noise ceases immediately.
I HATE YOU LUTHOR!
Superman
December 23
Luthor’s ‘gift’ of twelve drummers were very swiftly despatched, er, taken care of under threat of being burned to a crisp by Superman’s heat vision. Next morning, the headlines appeared all over the world.
SUPERMAN HAS LOST HIS MARBLES
But he still got the last word. Lex Luthor walked out of the mansion on Christmas Day, ready to go to work, since he didn’t really recognise Christmas as a holiday, only to walk right onto flaming cow dung on his driveway spelling the words MERRY XMAS LUTHOR. And as he looked down at the steaming piles in dismay, he heard the sound of laughter in the air. He could have sworn it almost sounded like sleigh bells.
Title: Twelve Days of Torture (er Christmas)
Genre: crackfic, parody
Characters: Luthor, Superman
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. I'm not even sure I'm sane enough to at this point, judging from this little effort.
Feedback: Please leave some before the men in white coats come to get me.
a/n: Okay, so you know how you get these evil plot bunnies from time to time? Well, here's mine, and it is totally evil! I was listening to my Christmas CD and thinking about a parody of the Twelve Days of Christmas, and came up with this lunacy. And I know it's traditionally the Twelve Days after Christmas, but since when does Lex Luthor do traditional?
Twelve Days of Torture, er I mean Christmas
December 12, 2020
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Gift
Luthor,
What kind of insanity is this? I get home last night to find you have left me a rooster. And not just any rooster. Apparently this thing has been dosed with Kryptonite! Because its cock-a-doodle dos are enough to wake the dead! Is it some kind of revenge for the Justice League breaking into Cadmus? I know I grew up on a farm but even I have my limits of tolerance. I’m going to be deaf for days at this rate.
Superman
December 13
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Attack of the clones?
Luthor,
I know you’re a sci-fi geek from way back but Attack of the Clones was the worst movie ever! So why in Rao’s name did you decide that creating two clones, of me, by the way, would be such a great idea? I’m sure you had another idea in mind when you told both Bizarros to ‘party hard’. They partied all right, all through every nightclub in town. It was like they’d both been dosed with Red Kryptonite, although we both know that that won’t do anything to them except make them sick. I have been close to being beaten up or jumped by every horny female in town. And Lois isn’t speaking to me, thank you very much. But I’m guessing that was your goal all along. I hate you!
Superman
December 14
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Are you insane?
Luthor,
I don’t know what you’re playing at but the three robots menacing Metropolis, on separate sides of the city is not my idea of a good time. And you had to pick the moment just when the Justice League is dealing with a disaster on the other side of the world. What’s worse is you had the robots equipped with Kryptonite rays! Well, let me tell you something, you bald-headed menace, thanks to you Superman is now being sued by the city for property damage after they went haywire and rampaged through the city. It’s a good thing I found the programmer and managed to stop them or else there wouldn’t be a Metropolis.
Superman
December 15
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: The joke is definitely over
Luthor,
It’s all very well to play these childish jokes on me, or other members of the Justice League, but to inflict it on the entire office of the Daily Planet? It’s bad enough having to attend the annual Daily Planet Christmas bash, but it’s another thing altogether when the four cases of champagne, provided for the party has been laced with ... well, Batman is still having it analysed but we know it came from you Luthor. We have the delivery docket to prove it. And do you know how difficult it is to talk your boss off the roof of the Daily Planet especially when he’s convinced he can fly.
Superman
December 16
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: The joke is on you, Luthor
Hiya Lexy,
Thanks so much for the Kryptonite rings. Well, one of them anyway. Five was a bit much, but I kept one and threw the rest away. After all, what would I need gold, purple and blue Kryptonite for anyway? As for the green, well, we both know what that does to me. And the red ... I could fly right over there and strangle you, but I’m in too good a mood. Want to know why? Because I just got laid! Five times! And you’re still stuck in that penthouse with no one to do. Guess you’ll be alone this Christmas. Ya wanna know what I say to that? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I thumb my super nose at you, you sorry excuse for a super villain. At least I have Lois. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. I’m on to you. You’re just jealous because I’m getting some and you’re not. Too bad Lexy, you had your chance back in Smallville and you blew it big time buddy.
Never yours,
Superstud
December 17
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Fine!
Luthor,
Look, I know you’re pissed about yesterday’s email, but I happened to have been under the influence of Red Kryptonite, which, by the way, was all your fault you bald schmuck! Yes, I said schmuck. You know if you had done something about it years ago then we wouldn’t be enemies, did you ever think of that? And what the hell? Sending six members of your Injustice League to wreak havoc, not to mention the fact that one of them included Parasite! Do you know what damage that idiot could have done with my powers? Good thing I learned my lesson the last time I ran into that moron. Let me tell you, he is not the brightest banana in the bunch. Well, none of them are particularly smart, but that one takes the cake. With his power to absorb other people’s powers, you’d think he’d have leeched at least some of your supposed genius. But then if you were even half the genius you say you are, then you wouldn’t be coming up with these lame-brained schemes all the time just to get back at me.
Superman
December 18
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: You are driving me insane!
Luthor
Okay, this really isn’t funny anymore. It wasn’t enough to send in the mutant rooster, the two clones, the three robots, the four cases of doctored champagne, the five Kryptonite rings and the six members of the Injustice League, now you decide to create more chaos inside my house with seven other mutant birds. And the fact that they happen to be female! The rooster doesn’t know if he’s coming or going, running around the backyard crowing his head off at all times of the day and night. The noise complaints have got ten times worse, and now I’ve been served notice from not just my neighbours, who by the way, happen to live a mile away, but also the Smallville town council have threatened to have the birds destroyed! This really bites! I swear, Luthor, if I can find a way past the Kryptonite shielding you have on that building I am going to ... on second thought, you might just get off on it. You are a sick man, Luthor.
Angrily,
Superman
December 19
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: You have completely lost your mind!
Luthor,
Thanks to you, Lois is no longer speaking to me and now I have to deal with rampaging mutant cows through my front yard. You and your Kryptonite experiments. I suppose you were trying to sell this idea as an endless supply of milk? But the eight milking maids? Who, by the way, are most definitely not maids and are clearly psychotic. Everywhere I turned, there they were. And they certainly weren’t trying to milk cows. Never was I more grateful for super speed. Hence Lois refuses to speak to me. She has gone ‘home’ to her father. And you wouldn’t believe the tirade from the old man. I know the man’s a general (retired) but the words that came out of that man’s mouth! Think about what my father used to say about you, then triple it.
I am so going to get you for this!
Superman
December 20
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Argh!
LUTHOR!!!!!
Just when I had managed to talk Lois into coming home, I find not one, not two but nine, count them, nine! Uh, well, how can I put this as delicately as possible? er, ladies of the night, on my doorstep. Which sent Lois back to her father’s in total disgust. No matter what I say she doesn’t believe it all came from you. You are making my life a living hell.
Superman
December 21
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: I am not gay!
Luthor,
You had to do it, didn’t you? Don’t think I didn’t see the full-page ad in the Inquisitor saying I am gay and that I’m auditioning for my next piece of arm-candy. And there were ten guys lined up wanting the job. Yeah, most amusing, Luthor. NOT! Getting rid of them was like trying to raise the Titanic. Without powers! Although I have to say that some of them are quite, uh, talented. And get your mind out of the gutter, you pervert. That wasn’t what I meant. You are really getting on my last nerve, but you wait. I’ll have the last word, see if I won’t.
Superman
December 22
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Official notice from the Noise Abatement Society
To Superman, at the Fortress of Solitude, The Arctic, Planet Earth
Dear Superman
It is our sad duty to advise you that we have had a number of complaints from your closest neighbour, Mr S Claus of the North Pole, over the noise coming from your crystal fortress. While we appreciate all forms of music, the acoustics are causing avalanches and we also believe a number of earthquakes. We would recommend you employ quieter means of entertaining your friends at the Justice League than eleven pipers. And are eleven really necessary?
Reginald Croft, Noise Abatement Society.
PS: the local penguin population is considering migrating to the south pole unless the noise ceases immediately.
I HATE YOU LUTHOR!
Superman
December 23
Luthor’s ‘gift’ of twelve drummers were very swiftly despatched, er, taken care of under threat of being burned to a crisp by Superman’s heat vision. Next morning, the headlines appeared all over the world.
SUPERMAN HAS LOST HIS MARBLES
But he still got the last word. Lex Luthor walked out of the mansion on Christmas Day, ready to go to work, since he didn’t really recognise Christmas as a holiday, only to walk right onto flaming cow dung on his driveway spelling the words MERRY XMAS LUTHOR. And as he looked down at the steaming piles in dismay, he heard the sound of laughter in the air. He could have sworn it almost sounded like sleigh bells.
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